11 Nov. 2007

Journey within me

Journey within me
I lie on my bed, my pillows high, hound beside me and emotion thundering in my ears.
The ache in my throat tells the tale of unuttered sorrow and despair.
Tears run down my face, oozing from barely seeing eyes.
I am full of grief and sad words of memories and hurt.
Here I could stay the rest of my days, but duty forces me to move, regretfully.
I know I should do more, but desire defeats me.
I would sleep all the days and nights through, but for the little ones who need me.
I need them to save me from my brokenness of heart.
My heart broken countless times barely has enough substance left to hold together.
The scars harden my face to them in the world that they might not journey within me
and be trapped too in my fortress of walls and lose all desire to leave
I am deluded I know that I am safe only in here.
But I shy away from all in case they may harm me, hurt me, or make my heart bleed.
On occasion I dare to speak of some of my demise to one whom I take the leap of faith to trust.
It is more a cry for one to understand, perhaps to help.
I do not cry for attention for attention only makes me vulnerable to harm.
I have poured myself into addictions, to distract myself from me.
But disdain drives me to pry myself away again from their evil lure.
Then I am left with nothing again to fly me away from all that reminds me of my desperate loneliness and despair.
I fear I will be swallowed or drowned.
Only one can save me now.
But to Him mostly I am lost for words or too afraid to voice my shame.
I do not want to stay here...
But I have forgotten how to leave.

1 comment:

  1. 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' (Heb 13:5). He knows your heart my friend, and He knows your pain, and He is with you. He has put those of us that love you in your life to pray for you and just be here, even if you can't talk about it. I pray that His light shines through to you, that it covers the darkness you see now, for where He is there can be no darkness. You are beautiful to Him, as much as I know you don't see that now, but He loves you, and He will fight for you.